@forfeitsdeposit's timeline on Twitter
Tweets
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Me to myself: Try to be funny on twitter (Thinks hard come up with funny tweet) Me to myself: Fuck you guys. I'm not a tap dancing monkey.
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1/10th of a second: Time lapsed between me thinking today wasn't too bad, comparatively, & me spilling a drink down the front of me.
#gsoav -
Life doesn't get easier.....you just learn not to give a fuck about the fucked up things.
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My tweets are severely under-appreciated. -every single person on Twitter
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It's still bullshit the Supreme Court hasn't overruled men not being able to wear sundresses when it's this hot out.
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What some of you people do with a punchline is like Marcy setting up Charlie Brown with the football, but both of them get eaten by a Rhino.
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I'm all for social change. Let's create a new Underground Railroad to freedom. Except can it be a plane? To Hawaii? And can I be on it?
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Oh? Be kind to hatred and misguided people???? YES. They need it.
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Think what I need to say is Be Kind. It really is needed. Be kind.
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Or..oh..I'll bring this person DOWN. What makes you the better person? What indeed.
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Oh. Like you'll change someone by showering them with attention? Really?
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Sometimes it's nice to ignore people. When their mistakes trend on net, it just brings them more unwarranted attention. Paula comes to mind.
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I'll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble. I didn't write them. Just practicing my cursive.
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explain caterpillars explain your face
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Today is the last day of the rest of your life if you start at the end and count backwards.
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I'm single because monogamy. It's not my thing.Nobody's asked to be monogamous with me but whatever.
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penises from heaven is the way horny angels say hello.
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Best decision I ever made was to let myself be happy as often as possible, over as little as possible. Made all the difference.
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I finally have more followers than I follow. This Elite shit is AWESOME!
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I've been playing hide-n-seek with myself all day, but have yet to find me. Now I'm concerned I may have left without saying anything. Shit.
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Got some time off. Told myself I will not be glued to twitter. Slept in late and here I am.
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Third time's a charm. Third visit to the psych ward, you level right off.
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If you get me sick you must massage my feet, make me cupcakes and organise little people unicorn jousting. I don't make the rules. Ok I do.
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a baby buggy but for rocks
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I keep see Tweeps I'm sure I didn't follo,I remember: 1 Avi can change B My memory bad iii Need2change water in fish tank d No fish tank
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Lets see 16+8 carry the 1...nope still equals bitchface buttgobbler, move along
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Sorry, joining this website doesn't automatically make you a princess but here's a balloon.
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It's unfair that in near future hasn't invented the time travel & my future self can't send me help.~Random thoughts in front of ATM machine
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Just found a boat load of fucks. Buzz me if you're a little short.
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Popular people need to remember that their popularity is determined by how much unpopular people like them.
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Crazy guy at work just asked himself if he's alright...
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All of Helen Hunt's roles require extensive nudity because Tom Hanks is still mad at her for not waiting when he was stuck on that island.
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If a tornado ever goes thru a KFC, I'm calling dibs on a "Wind Beneath My Wings" tweet.
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When people see me out and about they always ask "shit the bed?" What does that even mean?
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I'm known to contaminate crime scenes oafishly trudging through looking for my torn panties.
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Only you can write your future.
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"I told the producers I wanted to work with Don Rickles." ~KITT, the Knight Rider car (from its autobiography)
#ftwot -
He was so proud (& shocked) seeing moody caterpillar daughter grow into beautiful Goth moth. "I can't believe she's not butterfly."
#ftwot -
~ They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself." ~Andy Warhol ♥
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When dogs bark at fire engines, I pretend they have TV talking heads & are discussing politics while getting upset at today's news.
#ftwot -
Watching these 5k runners reach the finish line is inspiring. I think I'd like to watch more stuff like this.
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Meanwhile, on Facebook someone is tagging me in unflattering pictures.
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Defend you? Pfft. Not if it'll cost me my Favstar status.
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At tweet-ups the MC should mention all people like the movie reviewers do - name first then username in a lower tone suggesting parentheses.
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Haven't lost my temper at the office all month. Granted, I was out on vacation for 2 weeks, but still.
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Turns out I have a really cute neighbor who just waved at me. This changes everything.
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This tweet tips cows 20 percent. If it's a cutie pie, 25.
#tbot -
I’m not exactly sure what it is they all see, but the funhouse mirrors sure seem to be freaking out at me. Seriously.
#tbot -
Me & my car suck great as a team. It picks the stupid lanes. I pick the stupid lines. And it’s stupid people with the assist.
#tbot -
I asked Bob how many roads must a man walk down to no longer see freaky answers being blown up into trees. He said, “Infinity +/- 3.”
#tbot -
No matter what you do, you haven't truly made it until a government helicopter lands on your lawn and they need your expertise immediately.
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Images of royal granny panties interrupted my counting of sheep last night. # LondonOlympics # TVreruns # somethingicannotunremember
#tbot -
According to my math, the bath just ruined my graph paper & filled up my rubber ducky’s butt with soapy bubbles. Now he won’t squeak.
#tbot -
Great things are done by a series of small things brought together. - Vincent van Gogh ♥
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If the rain dance really worked, then why is that roof guy with the Cher feather still pretending he's not peeing on us.
#tbot -
If we were monkeys w/ handfuls of poo, imagine what that kind of power could do. World zookeepers would count to 3 & we'd throw at 2
#tbot -
I stayed up for this? This is ALL late-night twitter hasta offer?? Falls over on bed. Fine. Just get it over with.
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Take a deep breath.. we're all in this together.
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I unfollowed you because you're kind of a meanie and now I feel bad because maybe something bad happened to you and you just need some love.
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Problems are loyal.
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~If you surrender to the wind, you can ride it. ~Toni Morrison ♥
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What if you didn't even know it wasn't cool to listen to that music you like?
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Try to be the kind of person you want in your life.
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When someone asks me how is my life,I answer "fine" I wanna say"messy like whore house"but the brothels are organized companies with profits
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Nothing quite says I love you like listening to your five year old son do a ten minute kazoo solo and then applauding when he is done.
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America: "This is for all the lonely people, Thinking that life has passed them by." Thanks for following me.
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So much beaming confidence in tweets to let everyone know that we're secure & confident. We wouldn't want people to think otherwise.
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I don't hang around for those accounts that want to verify me before a follow. My Dr. let's me in and he's had his finger in my butt.
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The occupational therapy doesn't work in all cases.Sometimes is so pointless than the discussions between Donald Trump & his hairdresser.
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youthful enthusiasm but asleep in a recliner
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I woke up six minutes before I had to leave for work and haven't had any coffee yet so I might be on the news later
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I'm serious. Imagine Frosty the Snowman singing,"My, my, this here Anakin guy...May be Vader someday later now he's just a small fry."
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Who is RTing giant white space that says nothing? Who is Tweeting it? Fucking morons, the lot of you.
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You are always free to change your mind and choose a different future, or a different past. - Richard Bach ♥
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'Weird Twitter' implies that there is a part of Twitter that isn't weird.
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No more Bon Jovi tweets or i will block you.
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Tip: When taking a picture of your mirror to post online, try to angle the camera or you'll end up in the picture. I see this mistake a lot!
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Man calls 911:"I think my wife is dead". Operator: "How do you know?" Man: "The sex is about the same, but the laundry is piling up"
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Unfollowers bitch about twitter people on Facebook, I bet.
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Save all your best Jazzercise moves for the dance floor.
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At what point do hipsters stop being hipsters because it's no longer ironic?
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All together and by the numbers. 1-click on a tweet. 2-click on Favorite. 3-click on Retweet, click Retweet. Very good. Now again 1-click...
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If you're my friend. There's never a need to hurt me. I've always been broken. Just accept me & love me.. unconditionally.
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i kissd a prince he became frog 'das waat im talkin bout' say i
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Just say NO to favstar.
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It's a good thing the Wright Brothers weren't mermaids. Mermaids fucking suck at flying.
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I wish "Where's your toy?! Go find your toy!" worked on people, too.
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I wonder how many people actually take that absurd advice I and everyone else tweets out there…
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Sometimes it takes more strength to give up than to keep going.
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<---------Staunch advocate of a woman's right to breastfeed publicly.
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Hey Corporate America: No one wants to "provide excellent customer interactions" stop making us say dumb shit.
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I've been unfollowed by a Condescending Wonka. Ah well, at least there's another 12 still following.
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Twitter is a psychiatrist's wet dream.
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I bet it's easier to be optimistic when good things happen to you sometimes.
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I haven't seen any good drama around here lately. You guys seen any?
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You can tell a lot about a person by who they retweet.
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went out to organize a bit, there is a big cardboard box, overcome by whatever, i climbed in it, i understand box kitty, i understand
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Let's not tweet something offensive. People won't like that.
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The thing I hate most about retweeting & favoring is not being able to star & retweet EVERYONE. Retweet people. Lots of talent out there.
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I have lots of secrets, Emma Stone. Lots of really deep dark ones.
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Apparently women aren't crazy about unsolicited elbow pics either
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Dear Congress: WTF already.
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Billy Bragg on Thatcher
#poignant pic.twitter.com/5wyMc9VwAx -
The best is when someone repeats back to me what I just said and my response is what the hell are you talking about?
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Everyone at work found out that I'm not married when I questioned why one guy had to ask his wife if he could buy himself some shoes.
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Pit sweat running down side boob is back!
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About to take a bath. Get ready for tubtweets.
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I wonder if cavemen were brave hunting saber-tooth tigers with only a stick, or if they just needed a break from their wife and kids.
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I bet you guys really missed me starring all those convos between you and someone else but I'm back and totally snooping on you again.
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Having a profession is the world's oldest form of prostitution.
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I just read your bio and I don’t like your rules.
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Sorry I've been so unavailable lately, I've been consumed with trying to create a more efficient way to drink milk.
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Found an entire box of unopened popsicles in the chest freezer. Going to the park now to buy love.
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I should have know better...stiletto's are not made for walking...they are made for fucking.
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I like staring at people with big wide open eyes & asking "Is there something wrong?" when they turn around & look at me in the Subway line.
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invent me out of made up words sculpt me with invisible hands paint me outside the lines sing me into existence a miracle without a witness
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I’m not sendin'sub tweets.I’m a misunderstood person,like Donald Trump.....The man just tryin'to fix a rockabilly haircut with the wrong way
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Officially I’m single but I’m not a monk & I’m entering here only when I’m alone or when she sleepin' (first).I apologize for that frequency
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You know its getting bad when you start checking out the asses of the video game characters in the games you play. Damn!
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My two-year twitter anniversary is coming up in a week or so. Anybody know how soon after that I can expect my parole hearing?
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You know that feeling, like you're about to be consumed by a giant spider..? No..? Just me then?
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We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be. - Kurt Vonnegut
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Bib? The steamed clam's a squirter.
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Just had that nightmare again where Gilbert Gottfried is next door banging Fran Drescher.
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My project on the drive home was trying to fit bam-a-lam into every song that came on the radio. Nights in white satin,bam-a-lam. And so on.
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What is it about lying that makes your pants so combustible?
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Mr. and Mrs. Explorer, we’re from social services. We are here to talk to you about Dora.
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My boss told me to dress for the job I want, not the job I have. Now I'm sitting in a disciplinary meeting in a Batman costume.
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I love it when they delete the @ of our conversations & make me look like as if soliloquize (something which is not very far from the truth)
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I just realized that this is basically having sex with our phones. Or with words. Whichever is less pathetic.
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In life & work systems will fail that matters not its how u recover & move on that counts
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"A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval." – Mark Twain ♥
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~ To love and win is the best thing. To love and lose, the next best. William M, Thackeray, ♌♥
Dandi Doggi
Jeff Ecker
Sly
Jessica Stacconi
Ryan B
@Nimrod_Nation
Madame LaCrooz
paula
Hushpuppy 5¢
Uncle JP the Janitor
Pam Nabea
not so funny bunny
Kay
Don Pearyawn
Lilly
Vandal
Theodore Roy
Tink
Scott Taylor
Mytwoscentz
Wistful Blue
System Failure
Nickels
Nobody In Particular
Ashley
Evil Schwartzie
skullpuppy
Cheeky Ninja, yo!
Tortured_soul
GuyInOrangeShades™®
LoveScopes
blunder rated
Darth Kitteus
Theodora Chester
Suggestible Dave
Michael B Inlaoninni
Jocy Evans!
Scarlett Fever
Jesus Jaramillo
Susan W
James
hope
Just Call Me Frank™©
jennco
SpaceSquirrel
ColoChiver
☮ krispy ✌
roввyroв
Mandy Moe
Natalie P. McTitties
Rainbow Brite
Dave
Viva La Crap!
Irish (Man)
Angehh McSugarehh
Southern Insomniac
erisreg
Stingz
Tony
luciebamboocy
Payton
MadMimsy
Fred Pollack
hashtagtractor
alex carbajal
Indian Bread Maker
Blakey Pants
Dolores
The_martinigirl
Anonymous Vagabond
BigDaddyRico
peckishly
D๑l๑ur๑usPurplεHæz
Jake B
Daniel Duwa
Labels: #ftwot, #gaf, #gsoav, #jsntf, #tbot, tweets, twitter
posted by Taranonymous Reads Not the Book of Tweet @ 4:21 PM
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